Heartaches and Heartbreaks

Heartbreaks – everybody has gone through them in their life, and it can be really cruel no matter how many times you’ve gone through them it hurts the same.

It is already past 1 AM and sleep still hasn’t found its way to her, she is still lying there on her bed curled up with all the monsters trying to creep out. She has had her share of heartbreaks and its taking its toll on her. The pain in her heart is so much, now she feels a big lump there. She checks on her little brother, and is relieved he is still in deep sleep. She cannot make a sound, she cannot even squirm, lest it will wake him up. Even though she wants to cry like a baby, cry herself to sleep, she can’t. She is silently waiting for the morning just because in the daytime there are so many things to distract her from this. But at night slowly and gradually the pain comes back to her and she cannot do anything about it, only wait for the morning or sleep to take her away. She desperately tries to think about work or anything to distract her but to no avail. The pain is seeping out, the monsters are banging at the door, until she can’t hold them anymore and all the pain, regret and guilt rushing down to crush her to the very soul. She can feel her heart growing heavier and the pain there getting sharper, she is pushing herself with her hands where her heart lies. But the pain is just too much and tears roll down her eyes, as memories of past come flashing in glimpses at first but then all at once.

The ghosts are out and the only thing she can do is live through them. She remembers the things that she had locked away. Realization hits her and hits her real hard. Thoughts keep repeating…

Ruined…Everything is ruined. I have ruined it al!! its beyond salvage and no one can help me! I tried, tried my hardest to save what was left but its all gone. My self respect. My dignity. Everything is lost. He took it all, but I gave it to him. I have done this to myself, to this life.

There in the darkness she lies without movement, and without sound. There is no comforting shoulder to cry on, no soul to confide in, and no one to hear her thoughts. She feels like she is in this purgatory where nothing but darkness and dampness lies. Every second passes with thoughts that push her to do one thing, the sin she promised herself she won’t commit. She longs to be free from this pain, relieve this tension. Just one cut, a small one will do it, and the red blood slipping will ease her pain. She wants to cut herself, so that she can see the life that holds within. To assure herself that she is still alive and healthy and she hasn’t rotten from within. But she is lying there stagnant because she knows that if she allows herself to move, she will do it.

Though she is there motionless and soundless to the world but inside there is a tornado ripping her insides. The scariest part of all of this is, she knows that there is no one out there who truly knows her. There is no one who can help her from this misery, no one out there to understand her pain; her humiliation. She thinks to herself maybe this is what her punishment is; maybe this is her way to redemption.

She just needs to hold on to it a little longer, long enough for tomorrow to come. Then she can lock them away; push them down to their vaults again. When it is tomorrow she can live without the pain again. She is holding on with the hope of tomorrow, when she can distract herself again. The morning brings with it the beauty of novelty, the power to rebuild you. The crack of the dawn makes the sky change its color. She can see the furniture in the room and make out their color. She looks at her brother and instantly misses the times when sleeping till the sun came up was bliss. She pushes the curtains and looks outside the window. The night is lifting her blanket making the horizons glow red signaling the rise of a new day. She sighs a sigh of relief and lays back to the comfort of her warm bed. She can feel the monsters retrieving to their den and pain residing leaving a faint throb. Crows are flying with their frantic cawing with the light growing stronger. She gets up to start another day with hopes to overcome her demons. She reminds herself to be strong and to just breathe.

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