My Sun and Moon

I want to kiss you

Until your lips are sore.

I want to hold you

Until my hands get numb.

You are my sun, my life.

My entire world revolves around you.

I wish I was your moon

So that you can shine down on me.

Your rays giving me life.

Without you I have no identity.

Without you I don’t exist.

Its Him.

I saw him again.
In a dream, a nightmare.
Almost half a decade passed,
But he still haunts me.

I saw him in his white checked shirt.
The one in which he was caught.
Hands bound in cuffs,
Eyes tired and desperate.

After all this time,
Still a narcissistic egoist
After all this time,
Still a boy who is lost.

Creativity & Commute

In my time of quarter life crisis, I have a new found passion for creative writing and story-telling. But I am far from being a writer, I have not even written anything concrete yet. It’s not that I don’t have ideas, I have them, but unfortunately they come only in few rare and fleeting moments. These creative outbursts of ideas happen most of the times while I am commuting.

I travel to and from my office, in my scooter, a Honda Dio, which is in matte grey. Sixteen months ago, I cashed out all the money that I had saved up from my first work.  I put 60% of the total cost, and my parents helped with the rest. After my smartphone, this was the second thing I purchased from the money that I saved. My scooter and I have sustained many bruises, and shared many beautiful memories. We have suffered the Gurkha Earthquake that left my country with devastation. I have carpooled people during the “crisis” due to India-blockade. And the best ones are the times when I could ride the scooter with no interference and feel the wind in my hair.

I travel about 14 km everyday, which takes about 40 minutes in normal traffic and about 90 minutes in a heavy one. And for god knows why this is the only time of day, that I have found myself to be the most creative. In these exceptional hours, I have had the utmost vivid imaginations and prodigious ideas. But before I can make any note of them I would have already forgotten about them. Yet, on the rare occasions when I have made note of them, they are just mere shadows of what I intended to write.

As Khaled Hosseini, author of The Kite Runner said “You write because you have an idea in your mind that feels so genuine, so important, so true. And yet, by the time this idea passes through the different filters of your mind, and into your hand, and onto the page or computer screen—it becomes distorted, and it’s been diminished. The writing you end up with is an approximation, if you’re lucky, of whatever it was you really wanted to say.

A Moment Of Euphoria

I was falling in love with you again, a moment of pure euphoria. That moment when I realized how perfectly innocent our love is, and how pure everything is.

I realized how lovely you are, how innocent you are. Though we have our differences, we have moments when we have fought so much that neither of us have the energy to fight anymore. But there are also these moments when I just simply love you. No ifs no buts, no strings attached just simply love you. Those are rare moments and I can’t say when they happen. But when they do, it is the purest form of emotion I can ever feel. With life there are series of responsibilities, issues, tensions and the entire emotional trauma that comes with it. Fighting with everyday life drains us out; there are times when we have no energy to do anything at all.

It is selfish but lately I seek comfort in knowing that if something happens to me there exists someone who will be utterly devastated by it.  But it gives me a great sense of belonging. It gives me a will to go on, especially on those days when I really can’t even get out of bed.

You give me happiness in your simplicity. There are times when I become the world’s most annoying person, but you being you, I am forced to come to my senses.

After 5 years, I fell in love with you again. Let’s just keep holding on a little longer. Even in the darkest of times when we can’t go on anymore, let’s give each other the happiness we seek, the desires we want fulfilled, and the best friend we need. If we feel like there is nothing to hold on, let us do things for each other selflessly so that the other can feel the love that is missing.

Heartaches and Heartbreaks

Heartbreaks – everybody has gone through them in their life, and it can be really cruel no matter how many times you’ve gone through them it hurts the same.

It is already past 1 AM and sleep still hasn’t found its way to her, she is still lying there on her bed curled up with all the monsters trying to creep out. She has had her share of heartbreaks and its taking its toll on her. The pain in her heart is so much, now she feels a big lump there. She checks on her little brother, and is relieved he is still in deep sleep. She cannot make a sound, she cannot even squirm, lest it will wake him up. Even though she wants to cry like a baby, cry herself to sleep, she can’t. She is silently waiting for the morning just because in the daytime there are so many things to distract her from this. But at night slowly and gradually the pain comes back to her and she cannot do anything about it, only wait for the morning or sleep to take her away. She desperately tries to think about work or anything to distract her but to no avail. The pain is seeping out, the monsters are banging at the door, until she can’t hold them anymore and all the pain, regret and guilt rushing down to crush her to the very soul. She can feel her heart growing heavier and the pain there getting sharper, she is pushing herself with her hands where her heart lies. But the pain is just too much and tears roll down her eyes, as memories of past come flashing in glimpses at first but then all at once.

The ghosts are out and the only thing she can do is live through them. She remembers the things that she had locked away. Realization hits her and hits her real hard. Thoughts keep repeating…

Ruined…Everything is ruined. I have ruined it al!! its beyond salvage and no one can help me! I tried, tried my hardest to save what was left but its all gone. My self respect. My dignity. Everything is lost. He took it all, but I gave it to him. I have done this to myself, to this life.

There in the darkness she lies without movement, and without sound. There is no comforting shoulder to cry on, no soul to confide in, and no one to hear her thoughts. She feels like she is in this purgatory where nothing but darkness and dampness lies. Every second passes with thoughts that push her to do one thing, the sin she promised herself she won’t commit. She longs to be free from this pain, relieve this tension. Just one cut, a small one will do it, and the red blood slipping will ease her pain. She wants to cut herself, so that she can see the life that holds within. To assure herself that she is still alive and healthy and she hasn’t rotten from within. But she is lying there stagnant because she knows that if she allows herself to move, she will do it.

Though she is there motionless and soundless to the world but inside there is a tornado ripping her insides. The scariest part of all of this is, she knows that there is no one out there who truly knows her. There is no one who can help her from this misery, no one out there to understand her pain; her humiliation. She thinks to herself maybe this is what her punishment is; maybe this is her way to redemption.

She just needs to hold on to it a little longer, long enough for tomorrow to come. Then she can lock them away; push them down to their vaults again. When it is tomorrow she can live without the pain again. She is holding on with the hope of tomorrow, when she can distract herself again. The morning brings with it the beauty of novelty, the power to rebuild you. The crack of the dawn makes the sky change its color. She can see the furniture in the room and make out their color. She looks at her brother and instantly misses the times when sleeping till the sun came up was bliss. She pushes the curtains and looks outside the window. The night is lifting her blanket making the horizons glow red signaling the rise of a new day. She sighs a sigh of relief and lays back to the comfort of her warm bed. She can feel the monsters retrieving to their den and pain residing leaving a faint throb. Crows are flying with their frantic cawing with the light growing stronger. She gets up to start another day with hopes to overcome her demons. She reminds herself to be strong and to just breathe.